I’ve got major writer’s block this week. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get my words to make sense. My dad passed away suddenly last week so time has kind of stopped for me. I’ve been going through the motions in a numb state, waking up when someone asks me how I am or tells me they are sorry for my loss.
I thought I could write about him but it feels too personal right now. I can’t seem to keep my writing on one topic either. I was going to write about something going on at school but then I started writing about digital photos, then switched to how the holidays are coming so quickly, and then, to my dislike for Christmas decorations in October. Then I got hungry and thought I should write about pasta.
So, as you can see, I can’t keep one thought in my brain for very long. I have literally walked around in circles in my house because I forgot what I was doing. Apparently, this foggy thinking is all part of the grief process.
My mom passed away six years ago but her death was very different. She was sick and we were prepared. Don’t get me wrong, it was the most heart-wrenching experience of my life but I was ready for it. I knew she died peacefully surrounded by loved ones and that helped me make my own peace with her passing.
My dad left us without warning. There were no goodbyes, no peaceful experiences surrounded by loved ones. It actually stings when I think about it, if you can understand that.
The past week and a half has been spent taking care of the details. For some reason, my foggy mind lifted to take care of business. I had a list and I crossed off items when I took care of them. Now, getting back to regular daily activities, that’s the hard part. I have to get used to an entirely new normal.
I am lucky. My husband has been supportive and my kids have been amazing. They are so young but so thoughtful. I have many friends and family members who have reached out in kindness, making me soup, watching my kids, sending me cookies, calling to talk. My sister and I have bonded in yet another way so that is something good that has come out of this. Now, it’s time for me to try and move on.
Moving on is difficult when someone dies, and surreal when it is someone who has been there your whole life. Parents are the first people we rely on as children, for them to be gone feels unnatural. I have to remember that I was blessed to have them with me as long as I did; I know for many that is not the case.
If you are lucky enough to have your parents with you, take advantage of that time, let them know how you feel. I don’t mean to be preachy but you can’t get it back and that is not easy to deal with. Forgive, forget, and love them for who they are.
We spend our childhood thinking our parents are perfect, then our teen years and adult years blaming them because they weren’t perfect. Being a parent puts it in perspective. We all do the best we can with what we’re given, that’s all we can do. Nobody is perfect. Don’t waste time wishing they were. It isn’t worth it.
I wish with all of my heart that I could say I didn’t waste any time but I can’t. Now, I have to deal with that and move on. Death is part of life and all I can do is accept and make peace with what's left, the good and the bad.
Grief is a good process and I have to let it do its thing.
"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." - Thomas Campbell